Lyla
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I have a daughter. I still can’t believe it. She is four months already. I have not worked in six months and I got laid off so I will not be going back to the Big Law firm where I have been since 2002. Oh well. I guess two maternity leaves and part time status for three years does not make you a partner. Still, it’s weird to get asked to leave somewhere. Ew. I’ve always kind of prided myself on never having been fired, even from some college-era restaurant job or whatnot. Just like I’ve never been broken up with (after the first dude I fell in love with in high school who just never really fell in love back). But, okay, I can let that claim-to-fame go. Surprisingly, I m really not broken up about it. Just a little pinch to the ego.
You might wonder ("you" the mysterious, likely nonexistent reader, you) why I am back chatting away like I’ve never left this blog. Frankly, I’ve been meaning to get back to it for some time and just never seem to find the time to draft some eloquent re-immersion piece. So, instead, I’m diving in and just getting used to the process of putting words on *paper* just to "get ‘er done."
So, here I am. Here these words are. I am going to have to find some other work (though I am paid through June, thankfully), I have a brand new beautiful baby girl, and Emilio is starting preschool next week, so this should be as interesting time as any to document. Since I am fairly sure that no one is really reading this (save a couple of girl friends who might still check in on occasion), I am going to treat this as my online journal.
I like the feeling of putting my words out into the universe without a lot of fanfare. I’ve always thrived in an anonymous space. In college I used to participate in poetry slams and I never told anyone, except my mom who came once, that I was putting myself out there and competing at all of these public venues. Similarly, I had a cable access show in Boston and I never kept the video tapes. I just wanted to do it and be done with it. They always told me to bring a tape (yes, a vhs tape!) but after the first time, I never did it again. I didn’t want to watch and critique myself, and I preferred to think of the "performance" just kind of going out there into the void. It was kind of weird when people recognized me, which happened on occasion. Oh god, what a pathetic 15 minutes of fame. Not that I expect or particularly crave "fame" but to the extent that I am going to be recognized by people for work I’ve done, let it not be for my cable access show. Let that not be the pinnacle. It was pretty bad. I referenced having kept one tape of the first show and Juan Pablo watched it once in the first year or so of our relationship and he still can get teary-eyed laughing about it to this day. And he is no kind of hater, mind you. He is terrifically supportive and complementary of all of my endeavors. In this show the sound went out and it was just a hilarious debacle to watch me try to deal with the technical aspects while trying to remain calm. Plus I had pink hair.
But I digress. Point is: this might have to be like that for now because I will feel better about it than not writing anything at all and having it hang over my head.
So, for now, good night. But I am warning you: I will be back.
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